I find that the root cause of many arguments and disagreements with loved ones and acquaintances is when one person approaches the other from a place of love and support, but the other person is impacted negatively by what is said or done. Stone, Patton and Heen write about the first mistake in the battle over intentions: our assumption about intentions are often wrong. This mistake can often be "traced to one basic error: we make an attribution about another person's intentions based on the impact of their actions on us. We feel hurt; therefore they intended to hurt us" (46). While it is true that people say things with an intent to hurt, it occurs less often than we might think. If good intentions are misunderstood, the other person gets defensive and the conversation can turn into an argument. Stone, Patton and Heen explain the effective way to avoid the first mistake is to disentangle impact and intent by asking yourself three questions as explained on page 53:
1. Actions: "What did the other person actually say or do?"
2. Impact: "What was the impact of this on me?"
3. Assumption: "Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended?"
The answers can then be shared with the other person framed as a hypothesis you are exploring with them rather than fact. Tell them what they did, how it impacted you, and explain your assumption about their intentions.
Reference:
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Group, 2000.
