Dispelling Myths Regarding Grief

I am currently reading When Children Grieve. In this book, James and Friedman list six myths in our culture surrounding the subject of death: Don’t Feel Bad!; Replace the Loss; Grieve Alone; Be Strong; Keep Busy; Time Heals All Wounds. I believe these myths are also applicable when adults grieve.

Parents tend to instinctually, out of compassion, seek ways to relieve their children’s pain and shelter them from feelings of grief. However, grief responses are unique and unlike a skinned knee or broken toy. Grief cannot be fixed. Death is a natural part of human life, and, like adults, children naturally heal. Like adults, children experience heartache because they loved a companion and now that companion is dead. Often the loss of a beloved pet is the first loss a child experiences, and it important to teach children healthy ways to cope with grief. It is important to avoid disrupting the natural grieving process.  The six subsequent posts describe the myths outlined by James and Friedman.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Additional Resources: http://www.griefrecoverymethod.com/

Myth 1: Don’t Feel Bad!

Loving friends and relatives mean well when they say, ‘“Don’t feel bad, he/she lived a long life.’ Or, ‘Don’t feel bad, at least he/she didn’t suffer.’ Or, ‘Don’t feel bad, he/she’s in a better place (14).’” However, these comments unintentionally promote inappropriate responses. The truth is that grief responses are painful and unpleasant in response to painful and unpleasant losses. It is a highly appropriate time to feel bad.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Myth 2: Replace the Loss

James and Friedman describe a story where a six year old boy’s dog dies and his father says, ‘“Don’t feel bad, [pause] on Saturday we will get you a new dog (25).”’ Now the boy understands two major misconceptions about his emotional responses: don’t feel bad, and replace the loss (25). The idea that this boy can replace painful emotions with pleasure is a concept that can have long-term consequences. It devalues the boy’s relationship with his pet, discourages appropriate painful responses, and subsequently disrupts or prevents the natural healing process.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Myth 3: Grieve Alone

Grieving is ultimately about relationships. When we loose someone we love, we feel pain from separation. This is why it is important to grieve with loved ones. Children are comforted when they see their parent grieving, because it mirrors what they are feeling so they can accept and understand their own feelings are appropriate and welcomed. It helps children when adults witness their pain and empathize with how they are feeling.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Myth 4: Be Strong

In most cases, children mirror their parents. If a child looses a mother, and her father is advised by well-meaning friends and family to “be strong for his child” by “grieving alone” and not showing painful emotions, then the child may mirror the same response. The child may also “stay strong” by suppressing emotions, and this may shut down the natural grieving process of both the child and parent.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Myth 5: Keep Busy

“Grief, caused by death or by divorce, probably represents the largest change in the moment-to-moment life of a child. Adapting to life without someone who has always been there can be painful, difficult, and confusing (46).” James and Friedman go on to explain that it is important to keep the pace of life at a similar level as before the loss, so children do not have to cope with additional changes. This is a myth that connects to a belief that keeping busy is a constructive way to deal with unexpressed emotions. It is more likely keep you distracted from the pain caused by the loss and keep emotions buried deep within (48).

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.

Myth 6: Time Heals All Wounds

Healing from grief is a journey that takes time, but time is not the healer. Too often, we are encouraged to “move on” or “get over it” or “get back to normal” without allowing the grief journey to unfold in what ever time period is necessary. Loved ones may unconsciously want mourners to “move on” so they do not have to witness pain or face their own. The grief journey mirrors the motion of ocean tides, currents and waves. Healing from grief is not linear, but healing happens when we allow natural responses to unfold. There are no rules, no steps, and no preset time frames involved.

James, John W. and Friedman, Russell. When Children Grieve. New York: HarperCollins Publishers Inc., 2001.