Thursday, October 20, 2011

Calming Breath Exercise Video Demo


This Calming Breath Exercise demontration is adapted from the following book:  Bourne, Edmund J. The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook. New York: New Harbinger Publications, 2000.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Disentangling Impact & Intent

I find that the root cause of many arguments and disagreements with loved ones and acquaintances is when one person approaches the other from a place of love and support, but the other person is impacted negatively by what is said or done. Stone, Patton and Heen write about the first mistake in the battle over intentions: our assumption about intentions are often wrong. This mistake can often be "traced to one basic error: we make an attribution about another person's intentions based on the impact of their actions on us. We feel hurt; therefore they intended to hurt us" (46). While it is true that people say things with an intent to hurt, it occurs less often than we might think. If good intentions are misunderstood, the other person gets defensive and the conversation can turn into an argument. Stone, Patton and Heen explain the effective way to avoid the first mistake is to disentangle impact and intent by asking yourself three questions as explained on page 53:

1. Actions: "What did the other person actually say or do?"
2. Impact: "What was the impact of this on me?"
3. Assumption: "Based on this impact, what assumption am I making about what the other person intended?"

The answers can then be shared with the other person framed as a hypothesis you are exploring with them rather than fact. Tell them what they did, how it impacted you, and explain your assumption about their intentions.

Reference:
Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, and Sheila Heen.  Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. New York: Penguin Group, 2000.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Living Well

"To live well means basically to learn to love." - Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

I deeply agree with Kübler-Ross on this point. I am particularly interested in how we learn to better love ourselves. Naturally, as children and teenagers, we make many mistakes, which help us make better decisions in the future. However, these mistakes are often harshly judged by others, causing us to feel rejected and lonely. During these early years, we learn our human limitations and are often hard on ourselves for making mistakes rather than appreciating the learning experiences they provide. I think these thought patterns can follow us into adulthood, and then we spend time learning how to love deeper and better.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Rays of the Divine


You are here to enable the divine
purpose of the universe to unfold.
That is how important you are!
- Eckhart Tolle

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Angry Birds



I was inspired to post about the popular electronic game, Angry Birds, because I see the game relating to real life. First of all, we have the classic battle between bullies (represented by pigs) and angry victims (represented by birds). Then, we have challenges represented by each screen scenario. It is then up to us, as the players, to overcome each challenge through trial and error. This process, as in life, can take any length of time from a lucky first try, to trying so many times you scream out in frustration causing your friend in the other room to ask if you are okay. As in life, you have to keep trying and adapting until you learn the optimum approach to achieve the best results. Victory is sweet until you reach the next challenge and realize there is always another one to face. As in life, the outcomes are unpredictable, and just when you think you "totally" beat the level, a screen pops up giving you only 1 out of 3 stars, encouraging you to try again. It is no wonder people play this game compulsively. That being said, I'm off to play "just one more" level knowing it is a valid metaphor for life.

Intrusive Thoughts

Strong emotions are messages from the unconscious. Understanding why an emotion is so intense often yields an important insight into our psyche. Still, many people take the position that it’s easier not to have these disturbing feelings, to cut them off as they come up. Closing off this way lets up delay facing what really is going on. (Bennett-Goleman 210)


Many of us, including me, have experienced an event that results in feeling anger, fear, sadness, humiliation, regret or worry that lead to intrusive thoughts. I am referring here to an event like an argument, disagreement, disappointment, or an unpleasant/unexpected outcome. Inner dialog begins highlighting things that went wrong, how we or others should/could have responded differently, and a desire to turn back the clock, or erase the event entirely. Inner dialog can go on with worries about future outcomes resulting from the event. Most of us want the intrusive thoughts to go away quickly.

Intrusive thoughts can cause people to wake up in the early hours of the morning with their minds preoccupied with worries. Intrusive thoughts might keep others up through the night, or wake them in the middle of the night. Others struggle most through out the day or in the evening. Intrusive thoughts and strong emotions can promote an urge to find distractions to cut ourselves off from the emotions.

I view intrusive thoughts as a signal of an important learning opportunity. When an event bothers us on a profound level, it means strong emotions have been triggered that need attention. There is often something big underneath the surface that can be healed. The strong emotions associated with the event may, or may not, be connected to a traumatic event or dysfunctional relationship from the past. The challenge is to not run away from these painful feelings, but instead lean in and give ourselves the gift of empathy. Bennett-Goleman writes, “We can turn our attention inward and with a warm sensitivity ask ourselves, ‘What do you need right now’” (209)? This is because behind these responses is a vulnerable, tender place that hungers for care and compassion.

Next time an upsetting event leads to intrusive thoughts, try asking yourself what you need in the moment. Breathe into the area in your body that feels most tight and constricted. If you do not know, take a few minutes to scan your body while breathing mindfully.


Reference:
Bennett-Goleman, Tara. Emotional Alchemy. New York: Three Rivers Press, 2001.